Normally, our weekend cultural roundup is the purview of man-about-town Bart Blasengame, but he’s currently “out on assignment” as we say in the journalism biz. We’re not exactly sure where he is at the moment, but it’s undoubtedly someplace chock full of danger and intrigue. Bart, if you don’t come back, dibs on your office.

Decisions, decisions. Tonight there are a pair of dynamite shows, and your preference my boil down to your drug of choice. At Crystal Ballroom, the Brian Jonestown Massacre, possibly the most dysfunctional band on the planet, will favor the crowd with its trademark maraca-shaking hallucinatory grooves. Watch as volatile front man Anton Newcombe loses his cool over something trivial and has a hissy fit with his bandmates. For further explanation, cast your peepers on the pop documentary Dig for more of his manic moments.

Over at the Doug Fir, local hicks Drunken Prayer salute the release of a new Live EP recorded with legendary Wipers and Napalm Beach drummer Sam Henry, called, …with Sam Henry. Drunken Prayer singer Morgan Geer is like a 21st-century Elmer Gantry—a righteous and spiritual man on Sunday, but Saturday nights are reserved for whiskey, women, and other unavoidable obligations.

If you can’t abide that twangin’ gee-tar, Saturday night sees former Count Basie trumpeter Byron Stirling sitting in with the Oregon Symphony. Stirling’s jazz cred is top-notch, having blown his horn with the bands of Lionel Hampton, Dizzy Gillespie, and Louis Bellson. “Soul of New Orleans” is the name of the show, and will feature Stirling paying tribute to some of the Big Easy’s best, including Fats Waller, Louis Armstrong, and Cab “Hidey-hidey-hidey-ho” Calloway.

But enough about you and your constant need for distraction! How about giving a little something back? Down at the World Trade Center, World Water Day fun and festivities will be going on all afternoon and into the evening capped by a performance from radiant songbird Stephanie Schneiderman, one-third of melodious local trio Dirty Martini. All of the cash you cough up at this hydro-happening will go to bringing H20 to drought-stricken communities in West Africa. So c’mon already! Those wells ain’t gonna dig themselves.

Oh, and Portland Farmers Market opens this Saturday at the PSU Park Blocks. We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, it’s the circle of life, baby.

Without further ado, here’s the Easybeats with the best weekend anthem ever.