Portland Is About to Get an “Apple Store for Porsches,” I Guess


By Conner Reed December 7, 2021

A Porsche

After a pair of grueling years, filled with negative national press and very public growing pains, Portlanders may soon locate an island of peace: in early 2022, the Rose City will house the first American location of a store where you can look at Porsches in augmented reality but not buy one if you don't want. 

That’s right—after ongoing, sometimes-violent debates over the soul of our city, amidst an ever-evolving pandemic whose latest evolutions remain murky—denizens of Stumptown are about to get rewarded for our resilience with an “Apple Store for Porsches." Fingers crossed it winds up by the in-progress Ritz Carlton!

Per reporting in Motor AuthorityNorth American Porsche CEO Kjell Grunder announced late last month that, after successful openings in Vietnam and Taiwan, the German automaker will bring its “Brand Studios” to American shores with a flagship Portland location. These "studios," per Grunder, are designed to remove the pressure people apparently feel when they go to other Porsche showrooms that are overrun with salespeople (I am always saying it's the salespeople who keep me from pulling the trigger). 

Instead, the new locations sport normal, put-you-at-ease stuff, like teddy bears in branded hats, ground mirrors, and Porsche employees who are there to inform you about Porsches but are definitely not salespeople, gross! No word on whether these spaces offer the full Titanebut you can book conference rooms for personal use, in case you would like to discuss subpar revenue reports near some cars that cost one hundred thousand dollars.

Obviously, this is dumb as hell, but I'm choosing to use the news as a springboard to dredge up this clip of Steve Carrell doing a weird impression of Paul Lynde as Uncle Arthur in Nora Ephron's much-maligned 2005 Bewitched movie. Whenever I read "Porsche," I think of this. Enjoy! 

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