Hot Takes on Portland's Latest News
Mascots
After the owners of the Portland Pickles landed on a sausage-themed name for their new soccer club, the Portland Bangers FC, we’re wondering what phallic mascot they’ll come up with next.
Conclave
Once again, the Vatican had the chance to name a bartender from the Pope House Bourbon Lounge to be the supreme pontiff and bishop of Rome, and once again it opted to go in a different direction.
Concerts
Since Questlove and Black Thought started out as buskers on the streets of Philadelphia, they should feel right at home on the bricks when the Roots play Pioneer Courthouse Square on August 21.
Cosplay
Can the people dressing up as trees to protest PGE’s Forest Park project and the people dressing up as Rainier bottles for the documentary about the brewery’s old ads please hold a fake wedding and invite us?
Taxes
We know the legislature’s approval of a “jock tax” is just to fund a hypothetical stadium on the off chance Portland is awarded an MLB team, but we’re going to use it as an excuse to take the elevator.
Spring 2025
Barbershops
Image: Michael Novak
Local stylists might find themselves in a real “situation” in May, when customers are sure to be demanding the perfect New Wave haircut before Yaz alum Alison Moyet’s Crystal Ballroom show.
Image: Michael Novak
Bureaucracy
We thought the state made DMV offices unpleasant on purpose, so we wonder what tenant is next for the Mall 205 space the agency vacated this winter because it was too unpleasant even for the DMV.
Reputation
Image: Michael Novak
Oregon didn’t crack the top 10 states in terms of its percentage of Kamala Harris voters last November, so your uncle in Ohio can stop asking you what it’s like in
hippieland.
Anniversary
Image: Michael Novak
Fifty years ago, TriMet launched Fareless Square, one of the only times in the history of the world transit has gotten cheaper—until the free zone went rail-only in 2010 and ended in 2012.
Machines
Image: Michael Novak
We were worried the One Moto Show was leaving us for the flash and feathers of Las Vegas, but the 16-year-old motorcycle fest swears it’s coming home in May after its Sin City dalliance in February.
Winter 2024–2025
Calendar
Stephen King’s The Running Man (published in 1982) and Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower (1993) were both set in the mid-2020s, so if you’re feeling any highly literary dystopian vibes you’re probably not alone.
Sports
Lasting only three seasons, the Portland Fire was easily extinguished, so maybe our new WNBA team should take a cue from the Bangles and be the Portland Eternal Flame.
Divas
We’re not sure why Mattel has yet to release a Barbie of Billie Eilish, who plays at the Moda Center December 8, but based on existing dolls—Stevie Nicks, Celia Cruz, Tina Turner, et al.—maybe the toymaker prefers crooners of a certain age.
Rankings
If the new roof, all those indoor trees, and the slick security bin return system don’t return PDX’s title of best airport in the US, we’re ready to call the whole thing rigged.
Hangovers
Charter reform is cool and all, but it’s OK to be nostalgic for a time when 118 people didn’t run for city office at the same time.
Fall 2024
Image: Portland Monthly Composite
Fashion
The Wildfang shirts inspired by local stop-motion film company Laika have us wondering why there’s no Nike Fight Club line or a custom Gus Van Sant Adidas sneaker.
Image: Portland Monthly Composite
Civics
With a nod to the runners-up at Portland Mercado and by the Rip City sign, the award for best ballot drop box in town goes to the receptacle in the Hollywood McDonald’s parking lot, where you can vote and then grab some fresh french fries.
Image: Portland Monthly Composite
Sports
Beavers and cougars are in the same section of the Oregon Zoo, so hopefully they’re friendly with one another now that Oregon State and Washington State are all that’s left of the Pac-12.
Image: Portland Monthly Composite
Education
The four-day weekend for Portland Public Schools after Halloween will provide some needed candy-hangover recovery time, but it really can’t compete with the 26-day weekend kids got with last year’s teachers strike.
Fall 2023
Geography
After voters approved electing city council members by area, draft maps of the new districts presented us with some real existential questions, like “Is my city just an off-center pinwheel?” and “Which east-side neighborhoods can stomach being in a voting bloc with the west side?”
Centennials
We wish a happy 100th birthday to Laurelhurst Cinema, that art deco-tastic theater that began as a one-screen, 700-seat movie theater with a pipe organ, and has survived burglars armed with explosives (1967), modern multiplexes, and Minecraft.
Retail
The upcoming 11,000-square-foot Pioneer Place location of Taiwanese soup dumpling chain Din Tai Fung (its second in Oregon, after the one in Washington Square) is sure to rival Hipster Santa for must-sees at the downtown mall.
Environment
When Canadian wildfires blanketed New York City in smoke earlier this year, smug Oregonians had that rare feeling of being a step or two ahead of the city that never sleeps—and posted about it in veiled, passive-aggressive terms on social media.
Government
A law passed by the 2023 Oregon Legislature theoretically bans documents from being filed with the county clerk in type smaller than 10 point—but don’t fret, you can still file unreadably tiny print along with a $20 penalty.
Summer 2023
Ceremonies
Catlin Gabel and Portland State alum Makenzie Lystrup placed her hand on Carl Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot instead of a Bible for her swearing in as the director of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, so now we’re hoping the next Portland mayor opts for a tattered copy of Fight Club or Ramona Quimby, Age 8.
Parks
The Mercedes-Benz driver who parked in the middle of Waterfront Park for a photo op with the cherry blossoms might have just wanted to be first in line for the midway at the Rose Festival this year.
Fashion
Nike’s phasing out of white shorts for a lot of women’s teams it sponsors—a practical move for athletes who menstruate—is making us question the whole Memorial Day–to–Labor Day white-wearing window we’d thought was settled law.
Legislation
While DIYers, mad scientists, and wild-haired inventors who give their dogs names like Copernicus and Einstein might be eager to track the progress of the “right to repair” bill in Salem (which calls for manufacturers to make replacement parts and diagnostic tools available for their products), some of us sheepishly admit we can’t even change out an iPhone screen.
Travel
The outside-security location of the upcoming Loyal Legion beer hall at PDX means we will no longer be meeting visiting friends and relatives on the sidewalk outside baggage claim; meet us at the bar, mates!
