Bro Encore

Parlez-Vous "Bro"? Part Deux

Mountain slang abounds.

With Brian Barker November 19, 2009 Published in the December 2009 issue of Portland Monthly

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boot pack n. A series of steps kicked into a slope resulting in a makeshift staircase. Commonly seen in the A-zone at Mt Hood Meadows. See also: Stairway to Heaven

bro deal n. When professional skiers and the like are offered equipment for free or at steep discounts, it’s called a “pro deal.” In mountain parlance, it translates to “bro deal.”

bro tilt n. First exposed in Skiing magazine’s September 2009 issue, this disturbing syndrome afflicts those donning both beanies and sunglasses. Upon doing so the wearer must decide whether to position the sunglass frame either behind their ears and underneath the beanie, or on the outside of their hat. When proceeding with latter option there is a tendency—nay, a blatant desire—by young male skiers to tilt the frames upward, at which point bam: you have “bro tilt.” Like damage inflicted to ski resorts by the western pine beetle, instances of this unfortunate trend appear to be confined to sun-soaked Rocky Mountain towns like Jackson Hole and Crested Butte. To be safe, report any sightings to us immediately.

cat track n. A flat surface created by a snowplow to facilitate skiers’ mobility around the mountain.

corduroy n. Snow that has been freshly groomed and thus bears an uncommon likeness to the timeless sartorial pattern. See also: groomers

core shot n. Damage to the bottom of a ski or a snowboard that penetrates the base, exposing the core. If this happens, you did something either really stupid or really cool. Though it was probably stupid.

epic adj. 1. Proper description of outstanding skiing conditions 2. Used to characterize anything that, due to extraordinary circumstances, becomes noteworthy: skiing out of bounds, a trip to the bathroom, and so on. See also: winter 2007–08 on Mount Hood

first chair n. The proud act of being the first person to sit in the chairlift when it starts running in the morning. See also: last chair

gaper gap n. When the top of your goggles doesn’t sit flush with the edge of your helmet. Your forehead will be cold, and you’ll also look like a tool.

lunch tray n. A shortened version of a snowboard meant for performing tricks. Kind of like a disco stick for boarders, only its use is limited to terrain parks.

Multorpor n. A lodge and a chairlift at Ski Bowl East. A combination of the words Multnomah, Oregon, and Portland. Note: Pronounced mul-tour-pour, not multi-pour

quiver n. A collection of skis or boards in one’s possession.

rock skis n. A pair of skis, usually on their last leg, that’s used early in the season, when the snowpack may be thin and rocks are guaranteed to damage the skis’ surface.

rollin’ up the windows n. A skier’s death spiral. When inexperienced skiers are airborne, they sometimes flap their arms in a circular motion in the hopes of maintaining control. Note: If you see this, don’t blink. A good wipeout is imminent.

sick bird n. A hard-core bro. This guy taunts death by hucking cliffs and skiing out of bounds. At night he watches ski porn.

ski porn n. Films about skiing and snowboarding. Purveyors of this eye candy abound—Matchstick Productions, Meathead Films, Teton Gravity Research—but Warren Miller is the Hugh Hefner of the genre. Often viewed in mountain towns where the ratio of men to women is 10 to 1 or worse. To see local bros gettin’ down, check out How the Northwest Was Won.

skootch leg n. An imaginary affliction in which snowboarders develop a swollen thigh due to the amount of pressure put on the rear leg while hopping through flat terrain. Note: To see an illustration, Google “cross-country snowboarding.”

steeze v. To ski with grace and style. Example: James Bond in the Spy Who Loved Me. Anyone who can shoot a ne’er-do-well spy with a ski pole while skiing backwards is steezin’ big time.

Texas tote n. A technique employed by tourists to carry their ski equipment. They loop one pole strap to the tips of the skis and the other around the tails, and transport their goods suitcase-style. Note: Try to avoid both the act itself and the use of this phrase. See also: Arkansas attaché case

white room n. Where skiers and boarders are taken when surrounded by pluming snow.

Add your favorite broriffic terms in the comment section below!

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